Warning: This entry contains explicit content and images which may induce nausea and vomitting. Please proceed with caution.
With that out of the way, I can start my disgusting rant about toilet bowls. No, not all toilet bowls, but just the auto flush ones. I mean, hello?! I have two fully functional hands, I don't need help in flushing the damn toilet you know?
You may think that I'm being ridiculous, it's just for hygenic purposes now isn't it? What if some inconsiderate prick feels like letting the whole world share his 'spoils'? Won't it stink up the toilet and cause discomfort, distress and trauma to the other toilet users? Well I say, a very big FUCK YOU to these non-toilet-bowl-flushing assholes! It's because of you some smartass decided to invent auto flushing!
Now we get to the fun part. Why the hell am i so pissed off with auto flushing? What is my problem? Am I mad? (Before you read any further let me warn you that I'll be going into rather detailed descriptions of shitting, so please, brace yourself.) No I'm not crazy, it's just my shitting habits don't really go well with this auto flush system. I'm sure all of you have seen the auto flush detector, it's somewhere located above the toilet bowl seat. If you don't know, here's an example:
In case you are wondering how an auto flush detector works, allow me to enlighten you. Firstly, it detects an object in front of it, and so the red light will be activated for a few seconds, let's say 5. After said number of seconds, the red light will start to blink, indicating that once the object moves away, it will start to flush. Easy enough, yes?
The problem is, the damn thing is located ABOVE the fucking toilet seat. As people who know me will know, I'm not very tall. So when I'm shitting, the bloody censor can probably hardly 'detect' my presence. That's bad enough. Worse, my habit of shitting is to lean forward to force my 'stuff' out. You know, with my whole upper body arched forward and giving an 'ugggghhhh' sound. As you may guess, this process would take much more than a mere 5 seconds. And so often, during this period of forcing out, i'll hear the damn flush go off. Clearing out my shit. With my ass just above it. With water splashing around. I know asses aren't very clean to begin with but I'd like to keep it as clean as possible thank you very much.
Another thing is that I like to throw some toilet paper into the toilet bowl before commencing, so that any impact on the water would be lessened, due to a interference between the water and the 'excrement', resulting in less water being splashed, and onto my ass. Can you imagine water mixed with 'the brown stuff' being splashed onto your ass? So as you can infer, when the damn flush automatically activates and flushes down my paper, the force between the 'droppings' and the water is now direct, and now the 'brown-toilet-bowl-water-mixture' will splash directly up my ass. And that is the main thing I'm pissed off about!! I like to keep my ass clean!
So please, toilet operators on this country, hear my plea. Bring back the regular toilet bowl hand-operated flushes, and save my ass. Thank you!
edwardsam
10/03/2007 12:43:00 AM
